For Marley, My Heart Outside of Me

October 7, 2016. 8:21 PM.

Those numbers will forever live somewhere inside of me.

That was the exact moment my life changed.

The moment I became somebody’s mother.

The moment I met the little girl who would eventually teach me some of life’s biggest lessons without even realizing she was teaching them.

Her name is Marley.

My daughter.

My baby girl.

My heart outside of my body.

And sometimes I still sit back and think about how quickly the years have gone.

I can remember when she was little. I can remember looking at her and knowing that this tiny person depended on me for everything. I didn’t have all the answers. I didn’t have life figured out. I was still figuring myself out.

But I knew one thing.

I loved her.

And that love became my foundation.

I Didn’t Know Motherhood Would Change Me This Much

Nobody can really prepare you for motherhood.

People can tell you that you will be tired.

They can tell you that your life will change.

They can tell you that your priorities will become different.

But they can’t explain what it feels like to look at your child and realize that there is another human being whose heart you want to protect with everything in you.

Motherhood made me softer in some ways and stronger in others.

It made me look at life differently.

There were moments when I had to put my own emotions aside because my daughter still needed her mother.

There were times I was hurting privately but still had to show up.

Times when I didn’t feel like I had everything together, but I kept moving because I knew there was a little girl watching me.

And that little girl became one of my biggest reasons to keep going.

Marley, You Have No Idea How Much You Have Given Me

I am grateful for you in ways that I don’t always know how to express.

You have given me memories I will carry for the rest of my life.

You’ve given me laughter on days when I needed it.

You’ve given me purpose when I felt uncertain.

You’ve reminded me that life isn’t only about what happens to me.

Sometimes it’s about who I get to experience life with.

And I get to experience it with you.

There are things about motherhood that have been hard.

I won’t pretend they haven’t been.

I’ve had moments of exhaustion. Moments of doubt. Moments where I’ve wondered whether I was doing enough or whether I was giving you everything you deserved.

But whenever those thoughts come, I remind myself that motherhood isn’t about perfection.

It’s about presence.

It’s about trying.

It’s about loving your child through every season.

And I have tried.

I continue to try.

Every single day.

I Want You to Have What I Didn’t Always Have

One of the biggest things I want for you is peace.

I want you to grow up knowing what healthy love feels like.

I want you to know that you don’t have to beg anybody to see your worth.

I want you to know that you don’t have to become smaller to be loved.

I want you to know that your voice matters.

Your feelings matter.

Your dreams matter.

You matter.

And I want my life to show you that a woman can go through difficult seasons and still build something beautiful afterward.

I don’t want you to remember me as a mother who had everything figured out.

I want you to remember me as a mother who never stopped trying.

A mother who kept getting back up.

A mother who worked.

A mother who dreamed.

A mother who loved deeply.

A mother who sometimes cried but kept going.

A mother who wanted more for herself and her daughter and refused to settle for less.

My Promise to You

I can’t promise you that I will be able to protect you from every disappointment.

I can’t promise that life will always be fair.

I can’t promise that you will never have your heart broken.

I can’t promise that everything will always go according to plan.

But I can promise you that you will never have to wonder whether your mother loves you.

I can promise that I will always want the best for you.

I can promise that I will encourage you to dream.

I can promise that I will celebrate you.

I can promise that I will listen.

I can promise that when you fall, I will remind you that falling doesn’t mean you have failed.

And I can promise that as long as I am here, I will do everything humanly possible to give us the best life I can.

Not because I want us to have a perfect life.

Because I want us to have a meaningful one.

I Want a Beautiful Life for Us

When I say I want the best life humanly possible for us, I mean more than money.

I mean peace in our home.

I mean waking up without constantly feeling like we are fighting the world.

I mean being able to laugh freely.

I mean taking trips.

Making memories.

Trying new things.

Celebrating birthdays.

Taking pictures we can look back on years later.

I mean creating a home where you feel safe being completely yourself.

I want you to have experiences.

I want you to see the world.

I want you to chase your dreams without believing that your circumstances get to determine your future.

And I want to experience some of those things right beside you.

Because when I imagine my future, I don’t just see myself.

I see us.

Watching You Grow Is Beautiful and Emotional

There is something bittersweet about watching your child grow.

Part of me wants to freeze time.

I want to hold onto every version of you.

The little girl.

The growing girl.

The girl becoming her own person.

Because every year you grow, I realize another piece of your childhood is becoming a memory.

And while I’m proud of the person you’re becoming, sometimes I miss the little girl you used to be.

But then I look at who you are now.

And I’m amazed.

You are becoming your own person.

You have your own personality, your own thoughts, your own dreams, your own way of seeing the world.

And as your mother, one of the greatest gifts I can give you is the freedom to become you.

Not who I expect you to be.

Not who society says you should be.

You.

You Are Part of My Why

There are things I want to accomplish for myself.

Dreams I still have.

Goals I haven’t reached yet.

A version of myself I am still becoming.

But there is something different about chasing those things now.

Because I don’t just want to build a life for myself.

I want to build something that makes both of us proud.

I want you to see me becoming everything I know I can be.

I want you to know that it is never too late to grow.

Never too late to start over.

Never too late to dream again.

Never too late to choose yourself.

Never too late to create a better life.

If You Ever Wonder…

If you ever wonder whether you changed my life, the answer is yes.

You changed everything.

You gave me a title I will forever be proud to carry.

Mom.

You gave me a reason to think beyond myself.

You gave me someone whose smile could completely change my day.

You gave me a love that doesn’t depend on whether I’m having a good day or a bad one.

And you taught me that sometimes the greatest purpose in your life can arrive in the smallest package.

You were little when you came into my life.

But the love I have for you has never been small.

It has grown alongside you.

My Girl, Always Know This

One day you may read this as an adult.

Maybe you’ll have your own dreams.

Maybe you’ll have your own family.

Maybe you’ll understand motherhood in a way you can’t understand today.

And when that day comes, I hope you look back and realize just how deeply I loved you.

I hope you understand that every sacrifice came from love.

Every hard decision came from wanting better.

Every time I pushed myself to keep going, you were somewhere in the back of my mind.

Not because you were a burden.

Because you were my reason.

You were never something holding me back from life.

You became one of the reasons I wanted to make life better.

And I hope you always know the difference.

To My Daughter

Marley, I am so proud to be your mother.

I am proud of the little girl you were.

I am proud of the girl you are.

And I will be proud of the woman you become.

I don’t know what the future holds for us.

But I know what I want.

I want us to have peace.

I want us to have love.

I want us to laugh until our stomachs hurt.

I want us to make memories that we talk about years from now.

I want you to know that no matter how old you get, there will always be a part of me that sees the little girl I first met on October 7, 2016, at 8:21 PM.

And there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to that moment.

Because that was the moment I became your mother.

And becoming your mother became one of the greatest parts of becoming me.

You are my daughter.

You are my blessing.

You are one of my greatest reasons to keep going.

And whatever life brings us, I will keep working, growing, loving, healing, and building.

For you.

For me.

For us.

Because I am determined to give us the best life humanly possible.

Not a perfect life.

A beautiful one.

A peaceful one.

A life we can look back on and say,

“We made it.”

And when we get there, I hope I am still holding your hand.

Love always,

Mom